I have been feeling rather lost lately, and wondering who exactly I am. For the first time ever I feel as if I have no clearly defined role in life and I really don’t know how to move forward. My youngest child has now started at secondary school and I am no longer constrained by the school run so have an extra hour and a half to play with each day. It seems to me that I should be harnessing that extra time in a pro-active way but I feel constrained by the fact that there are still thirteen weeks of school holidays to work around, still periods when children fall sick and need attention, still those exam periods when children are on study leave and I need to be around both to chivvy them up and ensure they actually do study and to ferry them to and from exams that don’t fit in with school bus times. I’m constrained by the volume of work needed to keep my household going, there’s always a long list of things waiting to be sorted. I’m also constrained by the business that I run, one that I ended up with by default (my ex-husband bought it when he no longer wanted to work in the City but then lost interest almost immediately), the one that I don’t find interesting but which pays the bills and which has allowed me to work around my children. But the fact remains that I need something to get my teeth into, something that will excite me, something that I can feel proud of, something that will make my boys feel proud of me and that will teach them that anything is possible. I also need something that will bring me into contact with more people as I feel my world shrinking; having no school run means no social interaction at the start and end of the day so I have many days when I don’t actually come face to face with another adult. I can feel my confidence ebbing away and find myself coming up with excuses not to try something new simply because I’m scared of failing.
Yesterday I had a work meeting in London. the motorway ground to a halt, traffic was heavy and it was raining which meant my journey took forty five minutes longer than it should have,the return journey was equally fraught. The meeting itself wasn’t particularly exciting but I enjoyed being able to put forward ideas (one of the few who had any), I enjoyed arguing my case, I enjoyed being in an office environment and playing with the grown ups. I returned home feeling more positive than I had for a while and realised that I need to get a grip and carve out something new for myself right now. I can’t put it off any longer. Yesterday I felt like me for the first time in ages, I remembered how good I can be in meetings, I remembered how good I can be in effecting change, I remembered what it felt like to be someone other than ‘mummy’.
I’m not sure yet what exactly I will do; I never have a shortage of business ideas, what I normally face is a lack of funds to get started but in reality that is a problem faced by most people. If they can find ways round it then why can’t I? So my task for the rest of the month and next is to put down on paper a number of business ideas, cost them out, come up with a business plan and then launch whichever one is the easiest in terms of start up. Hopefully that will give me confidence, generate some funds and give me the necessary impetus to move forward more positively.
All ideas are welcome!